I live in a town the size of a thimble: tiny, no privacy, everyone knows everyone by either first name or the car that they drive. With that said…
There’s a guy, R, who lived here with his wife and 2 children, then didn’t live here, then returned here when his wife was finished with him. He believed that our community was thrilled and relieved to have him back in our midst. With his belief being so strong, I think that many of us also thought we were thrilled.
Since he left, years ago, there has been an influx of new people, like-minded people, people who believed when he said he was an important glue for our community.
And although those of us who had known him before – known him married – known his wife – thought we were excited for his return, there was an underlying, “Hmmmmm, I actually didn’t think he was all that, when he lived here before.”
But no one said it aloud.
4 1/2 years later and he has become an integral part of a spiritual and healing community of people – to the point of being compared to…
Jesus.
For real.
He has broken the hearts of two women – one, he utterly crippled. He has had random sex with a couple of others, telling them that he wanted to “connect” but his spiritual path is too important at the moment to lose himself in a relationship.
He has renewed and then lost several old friendships.
He has established himself as a “go-to” guy for all things deep and heartfelt.
He is still fighting bitterly with the mother of his children.
A couple of years ago he invited me and one of my sons on a spring break camping trip. He actually told me that he didn’t want my other son’s “energy” on the trip – although, he hadn’t spent 3 minutes with that child since the toddler days.
I refused.
He tried very hard to get into another friend’s pants – his way of approaching her, “You have so much to learn from me.”
He has come between his current girlfriend and her mom – ruining (hopefully not permanently) their bond.
He was recently fired from his job because he was above doing some of the required work there.
He is cruel in the guise of being “honest.”
Are we all getting the picture here?
Did someone say “NARC”?
And yet, there are so many people who don’t see it – people who think that he is all that he is telling them that he is.
I hate to say it, but my boyfriend is one of them; as are many of our friends, mostly men, who haven’t yet been on the receiving end of his narcissism or just haven’t had enough experience with narcs to run away.
I spewed one night to BF, no holds barred, “He makes my skin crawl. I don’t trust him AT ALL. He’s misogynistic, arrogant, disdaining. He reminds me of my exN.”
BF listened, told me he understands my perspective, but has only been treated well by this man. He then pointed out one of my best friends with whom he “struggles.” He has learned to love her (and tolerate her – barely) because I love her so much.
I get it – I love that my BF wants to see the best in people and won’t condemn without his own proof.
There are plenty of people in this community who also believe the best of this man.
Am I cynical? Am I judgmental? Or is my Narc-Dar spot on?
The friend whose heart he crushed said to me, “When people talk about him and the Second Coming, I want to scream that he’s not who they think he is, but that’s just petty and vindictive on my part. Just more proof that I am a nasty piece of shit.”
Hello Sunshine – that’s him making you feel that way.
So as I write this, my BF is at his house – there was a brunch there this morning and then ice skating or something like that.
I want to hurl. I am threatened – I feel like my sanity is at stake. I certainly think my safety is. I want to forbid my BF from seeing this man, but that wouldn’t go over all that well. Might even make me look a bit Narc-ish.
I called a friend – one of the ones from the old days – one of the ones who maybe wasn’t so excited to have the Prodigal Son return – the one whose husband discarded this particular Narc ofter being told that his marriage was shit and his wife needed to go. She and I said “eewwww,” together and she reminded me that my BF is actually very grounded and will eventually see the truth.
She said that we have to believe that others will too and that for the time being we can just trust our guts and protect ourselves from the toxins that ooze.
narcissusexwife 